Are High Standards Helping or Holding You Back?
I recently came across Lauren Berlant’s concept of “Cruel Optimism,” a term that immediately resonated with me. It spoke to the suffering that many of my patients have described in therapy. Put simply, Cruel Optimism is the attachment to a goal or hope that promises happiness or success, but may never truly deliver. An attachment to the achievement of goals become cruel when they end up hurting us more than actually helping. Rather than giving us the motivation to take action in pursuing our chosen values, optimism is “cruel” when the pursuit of the desired outcome leads to suffering in a way that actually creates an obstacle towards our actual well-being.
“Optimism” itself sounds like a good way to be- to have hope for a desired outcome. When we believe that something is possible, we are better able to work towards that end and achieve our goals and reach our desired outcomes. It can make us feel alive to strive for a better future. To have better, more fulfilling relationships. To be more social. To pursue a more meaningful career. To be more financially well off. To engage in meaningful activities. To become healthier and take better care of our bodies. To pursue collecting all 150 Pokemon. It feels good to grow, to engage in what are called Process Goals, the goals where we focus on the every day steps towards achieving or becoming.
Making our happiness conditional on achieving our Outcome Goals, however, goals with a focus on discreet status or achievement, can lead to both unhappiness in the present moment and disappointment when we actually achieve these goals. We can tell that we are overly attached to the outcome and making ourselves miserable when we say:
Once I finally do this…
If only I…
As soon as I…
Choose your Own: get in better shape, earn a 7-figure salary, find a partner, Run a 3 hour marathon, publish a book, buy a house , etc. etc. etc.
…Then I’d be happy/ be a worthwhile person/ I can finally relax/ Then I’ll be OK.
Cruel Optimism is a Protective Barrier
Why do we do this? Making a statement like this, that we would only be happy if we can finally achieve something or if only external factors were only different, can act as a Protective barrier from looking at ourselves more deeply and taking responsibility for our actions and how our internalized beliefs are contributing to our suffering. It gives an easy explanation to our unhappiness and gives us optimism, a cruel optimism, that everything would be OK if only we were more than we are now.
There are real, external problems contributing to our suffering:
As a psychotherapist and Social Worker, I’m apprehensive saying anyone is wrong when they point out external realities that contribute to suffering. We are going through a difficult economic moment. Some industries have been breaking down. The cost of living has been rising relative to income. Physical and mental Illnesses contribute to suffering. Some of us have grown up in abusive homes and have experienced
Dissatisfaction has Evolutionary Roots
Psychologically speaking, a Giant leap occurs in Cruel Optimism. That leap is from overly investing in our desired realities, believing that we are only okay or have self-worth once we achieve our idealized selves. Black and white thinking occurs when we experience ourselves as worthless until we achieve some desired outcome. When our core belief is that we are not enough, this can manifest as depression and hopelessness, or conversely we can become relentless and frantic in pursuit of our goals at the cost of all else, including our well-being.
But why would our minds make us so miserable? It is built into our DNA to strive for more- more status, more resources, to be more attractive. Anything that can improve our chances of survival and reproduction can’t be a bad thing, right? While this may be an adaption towards survival, it becomes cruel when we become miserable and can never find satisfaction with our current existence. This negative comparison in contrast to others or what we believe we ought to be leads to self-cruelty. This then gets in the way of us thriving and connecting with others. Comparison truly becomes the thief of joy.
Childhood Development
From infancy we adaptively strive to be safe and loveable in the eyes of our caregivers. We naturally learn how to get our needs met from our caregivers, those that we rely on entirely for our survival and well-being. In many cases, if our caregivers are inconsistent, the natural response is to overly fixate on how to be pleasing towards them. If our caregivers are rejecting, we may learn to suppress our needs and fixate on being “perfect” or “achieving.” we apply this framework to how we get our needs in the rest of our relationships. We adapt and become overly attached to being desirable, even at our own peril and risk of inauthenticity.
Social Media and Desire
While social media has opened up the doors for more connectivity, through the door comes endless comparison. It becomes easy to confuse someone else’s highlight reels for a permanent state of bliss. Social media has indisputably contributed to the rate of anxiety and depression, particularly when teens are first exposed under the age of 15. While social media has the power to connect, it has an equal power to leave us feeling more disconnected than ever. This taps into our brain’s desire for connection and also our instinct of comparison.
Social media can be at best a way to connect, share, and express our creativity. At its worst it can force us into being overly curated, attempting to discover what will get us the most likes, attention, and approval.
The cherry on top is that our endless pursuit of MORE may not even be what we truly desire. In his book “Capitalism and Desire,” Philosopher and film theorist Todd Mcgowan wrote:
“The Capitalist subject constantly wonders which object is the most desirable or the most desired by other subjects. For instance, a subject buys a car hoping to find just the right model and color to speak to what other subjects desire…We desire what we assume the ‘other’ desires because the other desires it and because we want to attract the desire of the other.” In other words, our relentless pursuit is not necessarily what we truly want or what would be satisfying for us, but what we perceive others want from us.
Overdoing it for “Achievement”
Seeking to have a meaningful career can turn into workaholism and burnout. A desire to feel fit and attractive can morph into shame and disordered eating and exercise. A desire for a successful career can lead to only defining ourselves by our job title and number of dollars we are making. The desire for sex and meaningful relationships can lead to objectification and tying our value to the number of sexual partners we have or how “good” of lovers we perceive ourselves to be.
Conclusion
If there’s anything I’d like you to take away from this, it is to be kind towards yourself. Its healthy and fulfilling to strive to be a better version of yourself. Healthy functioning involves making meaning through dedicated effort and building something we can be proud of. At the same time, you are fine just the way you are. You are not worthy of love because of accomplishments, certificates, or any other external evidence of your worthiness.
Abraham Heschel describes the duality in each of us in his book “The Sabbath.” One part of us seeks to strive, to build, to be productive, to define ourselves by what we DO. But the Spiritual man- one that experiences awe and seeks meaning in the world- this is the human BEING. The inherent self-worth each of us deserve. And when we can give ourselves love in this way, to give ourselves grace and kindness even when we fall short, then we will be able to do that for others in our lives- and make this world just a little bit better.
Final Note:
I’ve hoped for a long time to share some of these thoughts and add something to the conversation about mental health. I was about to scrap this whole thing because I suspect I may have jumped all over the place with this one. I am fighting to not let the demand for perfection be the enemy of the good. Plus it would be extra ironic to be cruel towards my own writing and negatively compare my own reading to much more experienced writers and brilliant thinkers.
Particularly while urging others to be kind to themselves and only comparing themselves to who they were yesterday.
So I hope one part of this will resonate for at least one person out there. Or perhaps my imperfect writing will give you the permission to allow yourself to go be bad at something too-and enjoy the process along the way!
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If any of this resonates with you and you are interested in beginning therapy together, please email me at therapy@djhandelman.com or click the button below to book a free consultation. I am licensed to practice in the states of Massachusetts and California:
